Insecurity and Pride?

I've been reading this book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity, you've been a bad friend to us" and it's just amazing!  I have a hard time putting it down.  I've struggled with insecurity for as long as I can remember.  Wearing coke-bottle glasses from the age of 3, missing my 2 front teeth from the age of 2 to the age of 8 (or so) and my mom dressing me funny, it's no wonder!  Sorry mom, I know you did your best, but fashion was not one of your stronger areas. =)  When my front teeth finally grew back as adult teeth, they grew back with a space between them large enough to floss with a shoe lace!  And they were bucked!  I was a target for teasing like no other!  I developped a tough exterior but I was a crying mess on the inside.  I acted like I didn't care but I so longed to be accepted by my peers as one of them.  I had a few friends who didn't seem to care about what I looked like but it was all the others that made it so difficult.  I felt like a freak most of the time.  I remember my mom telling me I was beautiful and my answer to her was always, "you have to say that, you're my mother".  Bless her heart for trying.


Going into high school was no better.  Still wearing the coke-bottle glasses, but at least I had my front teeth which were now staight thanks to the investment of a mouth piece.  I started choosing my own clothes so that wasn't as bad either.  But I was taller than most of the boys and super skinny.  (Oh those were the days...to go back to being thin would be oh so good)  One boy called me "chicken legs in leotards".  Another boy called me "Garfield" because my glasses magnified my eyes so much.  It didn't help my self-imagae or my confidence having a sister who didn't wear glasses, had bigger boobs than me, and all the guys seemed to like her.  Me?  I had to settle for the occasional boy who took interest in me.  It didn't matter who he was, if he liked me, I liked him.  Sad isn't it?


There were many things that contributed to the insecurity I suffer from today but I won't go into detail about all of them.  Suffice to say, rejection on many levels by different people in my life played a big part in it.  I never felt good enough.  Those hurts, betrayals and disappointments followed me into adulthood and parenthood.


Insecurity has followed me into my marriage, my friendships and even my parenting.  It follows me wherever I go.  Looking at me from the outside, you'd never guess it but if you could see my soul, the insecurity would shine like a neon sign.  


But in the past 2 and 1/2 years, God has been working in my life.  Paul and I have been touched by God in a way that I never thought possible.  My husband (who has had his own share of hurts and betrayals and who has in turn contributed in a big way to mine) is a new man.  This man has become the man of my dreams.  He loves me and cherrishes me as his wife and mother of his children.  And in turn I am able to love him with everything that I have.  I have also been blessed with close friends who really know me to the core,  and who lovingly accept me for who I am.  And I now have a closer relationship with my parents (as a kid, I always felt like my sister was the favorite and that kept me from choosing a close relationship with my parents.  It was better than competing with my sister over that too.  Or at least that was how I felt.) Life is good now.


Anyways, to get back to the book, one chapter in particular jumped out at me.  Why? Because I would never have equated my insecurity with pride.  Pride?!  But it made sense.  Here's a little of what it said. 


"We're not the only women in our men's lives, and that hurts our pride."
"We're not the most gifted people alive, and that hurts our pride."
"We're not the first choice every time, and that hurts our pride."
"We're not someone's favorite, and that hurts our pride."
"We can't do everything ourselves, and that hurts our pride."
"We're not somebody else's top priority, and that hurts our pride."
"We don't feel special, and that hurts our pride."
"We don't get the promotion, and that hurts our pride."
"We don't win the fight, and that hurts our pride."
"We're not paid what we're worth, and that hurts our pride."
"We're not paid at all, and that really hurts our pride."


Because of this chapter, I am looking at insecurity differently.  I hear my inner voice saying, "poor baby, you're not..."  So what!  So I'm not the best at something, or not the best looking, or best dressed, model thin, or the best at a lot of things.  I can take comfort in knowing that I am God's best.  He created me and He doesn't make mistakes.  I am who He says I am, and that is perfection in His eyes.  He sees beyond what the human eye can see and He sees something beautiful.  He sees my heart.  I have Christ living inside me and that makes me perfect.  So enough with feeling sorry for myself, it's time to leave all that baggage at the foot of the cross.  I am not that scared, humiliated, hurt little girl anymore.  I am the daughter of THE King, which makes me His princess.  Being the daughter of a King gives me the authority to walk with my head held high, dignity intact and with His confidence.  AMEN!